Friday, June 27, 2008

Potty Mouth

I am quite sure that I am the only person on the planet that can make my phone ring by sitting down on the toilet. Every time. I just wish that I had talents that could make me rich and famous, but a butt that gets people to call you is not exactly the kind of material that gets you on 'Entertainment Tonight'.
I have a two-year-old. The only way I can 'hide' from him is to read a short chapter in a well locked (and ventilated) realm for 5 minutes. Mommies everywhere know exactly what I am talking about. These 5 minutes are so precious, that if we do not get them, we start talking to ourselves while ironing those used dryer sheets that you are supposed to throw away after each use.
There actually was a time when I would try to finish my 'chapter' so that I could beat the phones 4th ring before the answering machine picked up. What the hell for? It would only be my husband calling me from work saying he is bored and what am I doing...let me tell ya gals, it is a lot better to let the answering machine pick up. Your husband will think that you are out having the time of your life without him, possibly making him jealous as hell, when really you are just trying to see if Elizabeth ever gets Mr. Darcy to pop the question.
My son has a very similar talent. He saves his most potent #2 packages for the times that we are eating out at a restaurant. Beautiful child. His best ones are delivered at places with no changing stations. I would like to trade this one in for a model who simply throws a tantrum in a store when they don't get the kind of candy they demand. I can deal with that breed without a problem. You simply tell them that Santa and the Easter Bunny are waiting for them at the house and we have to hurry because they are not going to wait for long. When you get home to find the absence of their favorite idols you simply explain that if they didn't waste so much time throwing hissy-fit about the pop rocks you'd would be sitting in fisher-price bliss right now.
I think that I am going to install a phone in the bathroom. It will help lower the number of calls from tele-marketers. And besides, Oprah might be trying to get ahold of me.


Rhonda said...

Very funny Monica....if my phone rings, I never pick it up and I, at present, have no answering machine....but my Mom tracks me down anyway on my "cell"....go figure.

Lori in South Dakota said...

hehe--portable phone in there with you guarantees no one will call. And the last time I left a child outside a bathroom door, it got REALLY quiet. Too quiet. Imagine a two year old with a bucket of eggs. One in each hand--whack them together and then rub them in her long hair.

Lori in South Dakota said...

I KNOW someone who installed a phone next to his throne!